Feel Alive
by whitehowl7
Summary: KyoSaya. Sayaka's thoughts as she sinks into her own despair. What does she realize?


Feel Alive

A KyoSaya Fanfic

"Sometimes, love is not about who makes your heart beat. Sometimes, it's about who was there for you, all the way."

Water. Water everywhere. Oh, and bubbles, don't forget the bubbles.

I can breathe. There's a small light above me, and deep darkness below. I can't see the surface anymore, but I'm still sinking.

Staring blankly above, I recall my life.

Mami-san once told me; "Do you want to grant their wish, or do you want them to thank you for granting your wish? They may sound the same, but they're totally different. Think about it carefully, or else you'll wind up regretting it."

I mentally told myself, _'Of course I want to grant his wish! There's NO WAY I could ever regret healing Kyousuke's hand!'_

But then, a little part of me also said; _'I want him to thank me, realize that I was there for him all the time, and maybe even ask me out.' _

But I ignored that part. Looking back, that might be why I was so upset over him and Hitomi. Because I thought he would know better than to go out with someone who was never there for him. I always thought he would turn Hitomi down, saying, "I'm sorry, I can't. I have someone, who cares for me, more than you do." I kept telling myself that at least, he was happy. But I still felt so empty. Add to that the feeling of shock and horror that came with my discovery that _my soul was out of my body and in a tiny shiny pebble_.

I felt like a zombie; dead, walking around with one purpose, feeling nothing.

Thinking back, did I really feel nothing once I realized my soul was out of my body? No, not really. There was sadness, angst, jealousy, and sadness. Oh, and more angst. Whenever I see Kyousuke, my heart beats fast, like how it used to, when I visited him in the hospital. My heart beats inside my chest, and I remember that this is a _dead_ heart in a _dead_ chest. Then I see him with Hitomi, and then I feel even more like a dead person.

I feel dead, I feel useless, and I feel stupid. Oh? I didn't do an introduction? Call me Miki Sayaka, Master of Self-depreciation. I feel so… yeah, you get it.

But there was another emotion, and it didn't feel like the rest. That emotion was something I felt every time I saw a certain Sakura Kyoko. Whenever I see her fanged mouth curving into that irritating fanged grin, whenever I see her eating an apple, or a taiyaki, or a box of pocky, whenever we fight, whenever I see those eyes of hers that always seem to be smiling in childish glee, I feel it.

My heart beats fast, like it does with Kyousuke, and blood rushes to my face. And then, my soul, in that tiny little gem, will react.

I mean, you don't really see it react, of course, but to me, it feels like my soul is burning. It burns, and for a moment I forget I'm actually dead. Can you tell what that emotion is? It's anger.

Absolute, pure rage, when she insulted my wish when we first met. Hatred, when she suggested that I cut off Kyousuke's limbs (I honestly would rather do that to Hitomi, but it's not like I would admit that). Annoyance, when she didn't let that transfer student Akemi kill me. And a little bit, just a little bit of irritation and disappointment (because it was mostly angst), when she found me in that train station (I reaaally hoped it would be Madoka).

Kyoko made me feel alive. When I realized it, it was already too late.

She was the one who comforted me, (or tried to, at least) when I discovered that Kyuubey had tricked us. She (apparently) felt sorry for me at that time. She told me about herself, and she tried to make peace with me. But I just never tried to listen to her. Back then, I was too hung up on Kyousuke to take to heart what Kyoko said. And when she found me at the train station, it was because she was really looking for me. But like I said, I was too hung up on Kyousuke that time.

All that time, I was blaming Kyousuke for not being able to tell which one truly cared for him. But it turns out I was guilty of the same sin.

Kyoko was there for me, in her father's church, in that vertical spiral parking lot where Akemi tried to kill me (for Madoka's sake, she says), and at the train station. Sure, first time we met, we fought to kill. She was mean to me in the beginning. But in the end, she was the kindest person ever.

But, as I told you, I realized this too late.

My soul gem was almost black. It was no longer the pure sapphire color it used to be. It was a nightmarish black-blue. Kyoko was sitting beside me, eating, as usual. I told her how she was right, all along. Then that's when the realization hit me. I started crying. Honestly, I wanted to tell Kyoko how I felt about her right there and then._ 'Too late'_ I told myself. So when I looked at her, I said the words that would sum up everything.

"I'm such an idiot."

Last thing I remember before feeling some kind of explosion, and falling into a deep darkness, then waking up under some sea, was Kyoko's face. Her features, framed by her red hair, showed shock, panic, and sadness.

So now, here we are, under this sea. I hear music playing. Really faint music. It's a violin orchestra. How interesting. I see my memories float around me in the water. I see Madoka, Mami, and… Kyoko…

Oh, hey, Kyoko's the only one who doesn't start with 'M'.

Kyoko…

Kyoko, who tried to be friends with me…

Kyoko, who was always honest…

Kyoko, who, despite my attitude towards her, cared for me…

Kyoko, who never gave up on me… (At least, that's what the underwater screens were showing.)

I'm sorry Kyoko. I couldn't realize it sooner. You were the one who truly cared, in the end. I'm sorry I couldn't return your feelings.

I looked up to the faint light above. I couldn't see the surface. I wonder, how deep have I sunken?

Then suddenly a black shadow blocks out the light, then the shadow turned red, and it had a face, and it was… Kyoko.

She held my hand and embraced me. I could feel her warmth amidst the stark coldness of the ocean. She really was here.

But, if she followed me here, then that means that she too…

My tears floated upwards underwater.

"Don't cry, idiot." I heard her say. "I didn't come all this way just to see you cry."

I looked up at her idiotically grinning face. She had scars on her left cheek, forehead, and shoulder. Her entire stomach portion was practically in tatters. Her red hair was not in its usual ponytail either.

Kyoko, who went so far just to prove to me, that I was not alone…

"Well," she said. "You're not the only idiot around anymore."

Kyoko, who made me feel alive.


End file.
